My name is Emily Bryar. I am a Christian women who belongs to the Church of Jesus Christ of Later Day Saints. I come from a family of 8 I have 2 older sisters, an older brother, and two younger brothers, and my wonderful parents. The majority of my growing up years was in a small town in Idaho. We had it rough not only because we grow up in a small town but also because my parents were courageous enough to home school us as well. So you can say that we were the out casts of the town. But that is quite alright. My parents had more then enough love for us and we did have a few good friends to help us in our journey.
Lets skip a few years to where I turned about 9 years of age. Something happened to me where I couldn't get enough to eat and because of this I gained a lot of weight in two years. When I was at the tender age of 11 I weighed a whopping 205lbs. I maintained that weight even with exercise until I took drastic measures. At 15 I got so tired of the feeling of not being good enough that I started binging and purging. Around age 16 I thought that it would be a good time to leave the nest and move into Pocatello where I could work(as a nanny) and take some classes at ISU to prepare myself to get my GED. That turned out to be a sour deal and so when my brother came home from his mission (that puts me to be around 17) he and I decided to go and check out Job Corp. No I was not a bad kid who was sent there. We knew that it would help you get your GED or High School diploma as well as learn a trade. So off we went. However, that didn't last long my grandparents got into a car accident and so I cam home to help them. When I got back the paper work was not filled out correct and I would have had to start all over. I was devastated and I was not going to start all over and have to be there for another who knows how long so home again I went. I was getting tired of not finding any success in my life so I thought that it was a good idea to go and see a doctor about getting on Phen Phen. I was barley eating anything and exercising 2 hours a day and dropped to 150lbs in a matter of 2 1/2 months. Thank goodness that the Drug Association found out what the meds did to your heart and I went off of them. The good thing so I thought at the time was at lease I FINALLY was successful at something!!!
Fast forward to January of 1999. I had been living with my older sister and helping her out while she was pregnant with her son and I was also working in Kerns Utah as a waitress for JBs. She had a house full not only was I living there but my brother-in-laws grandma was living there as well. We all loved her and when she made up her mind that something needed to happen she did everything in her power to make that happen. You see I was dating a young man who no one liked but me. And so in my mind I was off of the market. My brother-in-laws grandma thought differently. She kept at me to go to the singles ward and "just find some people my age" to hang out with. Well, after about a month and a half of listening to her nag at me I finally went. I went not only because it would get grandma off of my back but also because I could take the necessary steps to go on a mission. It also hit just right so that if I got off work just a tad early I would not be late for church. Well, the third week of going I came in a little late and there was a spot right by this nice looking man with dark hair and skin, and the biggest most beautiful eyes that I had ever seen. I guess he thought that I was nice looking also (I think I also smelled of food from work) because after we shared a hymn book and did a little flirting with our smiles he asked me if I would be interested in going to the linger longer after church with him. I didn't say yes right away. Then he said that I could go with him so I agreed. I was waiting in line with him when another guy told us that they always let the ladies go first. So I did and then while waiting for him that same guy asked me what I was waiting for and told me to come and sit with him. So being a tad shy and not wanting to hurt any ones feelings I followed him and sat with his group of friends. But I kept looking for the other young man. After a while he waved me to join him and so I politely excused myself and went to where he was sitting. I found out his name was Steve and then he asked me if I wanted to go to the Temple Square later. I said yes and we had a very good time. 2 weeks later we were engaged to be married and then 4 months later we were sealed for time and for all eternity in the Bountiful Temple on May 1,1999. Just a short 3 months later we found out that we were going to be bringing in a beautiful child into this world. During that pregnancy I gained a whopping 88lbs. Had a beautiful baby girl on March 6th 2000 she was born 6 weeks early. Steve as so excited to be a dad I was scared because she was not term. That had to be one of the hardest times in my life. She was born at 4lbs 4oz and for two weeks I lived at the hospital with her except to sleep. She came home with me at 2 weeks old and 4lbs 7oz. I LOVED being a new mom of such a little tiny baby girl. A few short months after that I found out that I was pregnant again. I cried and cried because I was not ready to do that all over again. I refused to go to a doctor until I absolutely had to and one day I was talking with my aunt and she told me that she was pregnant with a child and she lost it and that I should go just to make sure everything was ok with the baby. I didn't do that right away but then one night I had a dream that my grandma who died when my dad was 13 was holding my baby in a rocking chair. I woke up and told Steve that I needed to go and see a doctor because something was wrong with the baby. I made an appointment to see a midwife and I went to a meeting I thought that it was to see a midwife. It was a preappointment and there were no midwives in that day. So I made an appointment for the next available time with was 2 weeks later. At that appointment we found out that there was no heartbeat they sent me up to the U of U to do an ultrasound and we found out that my baby boy had died if spina bifida. Not only that but my body was not miscarrying him. I had no choice but to have a D and E. It was an abortion but the baby was already dead. That was again one of the hardest things that I had ever had to go through. You see I don't believe in abortion so to have to have one even though the spirit was not there was a mental challenge for me.
After that my husband and I decided that it was time to have another baby. I got pregnant with our second little bundle of joy and she was healthy and such a good baby. After I had her I went on a Susan Summers diet plan and I lost all of my baby weight. I was feeling SOOOO amazing. However, Steve was worried that I was eating bacon and eggs every morning. LOL It was about this time in my life that I no longer had any desire to binge and purge. I felt like I had found my solution to my weight problem. It was about a year later that I had the feeling that we were supposed to have another baby. I really was not ready to have another baby because I had just lost all of my baby weight and I didn't want to go down that path again of dealing. After about a month of the Spirit nagging at me I "made a deal" with the Lord. I would give it one month and if I didn't end up pregnant then I wanted to wait. God took me up on that and I became pregnant with our third baby. Through that pregnancy I gained a whopping 80lbs!!! But the blessing is that we had a son. I decided to try get rid of my excess weight through weight watchers. It worked for a little while and I got back down to 175lbs. I plateaued and couldn't get past that. So I went off of the program for a little while and started gaining again. I didn't mind because I thought that meant that I had broken my plateau and could go down again. I was wrong and went back up to 205. At that time I wanted to have another baby so again we tried and were successful baby number 4 was on its way. We had a baby girl! That makes three girls and one boy. I gained 40lbs with her and was able to get back down to my 205lbs. I knew that Steve wanted to try one more time for another boy so a year later we got pregnant again. I didn't do much to try and loose my excess weight because I decided that I was just going to have all of my babies and then try and get rid of the weight. By the time we were done having our babies I weighed a whole 216lbs. I had never in my life been that much. It was crazy and I was not happy but I had a husband who loved me and I had 5 beautiful children.
About this time it was time for my oldest to start school so we sent her to a preschool for the children with learning difficulties. It was fun for her and she loved it. The next year was time for Kindergarten and she liked that but then something happened in first grade and half way through the year it was pulling teeth to get her to go. I ended up through lots of prayer pulling her and started to teach her at home. What made us decide that was that we had a meeting with her teachers and they told us that through all of the testing that they have done that her IQ was not even on the charts and that she would never be able to read. I would not except that as an answer I knew that she was capable of reading. However, I still wanted to give the school a chance so the next year I sent her again and we had another meeting with her second grade teacher and we thought that maybe if she was held back school would be a little easier for her. As we talked with her teacher she agreed however because of the "No child left behind" the schools hands were tied. Her teacher told us that if we were willing and able that home school would be best for our little girl. I still kept her in until one day she came home from school and asked me "why her brain didn't work right." I was beside myself!!! What 7 year old said those kind of things. Oh, that's right they don't unless someone tells them that. That was the last straw for me and my husband. We pulled her and she has been home schooled ever sense. Our second child went to Kindergarten, First and part of Second. I finally braved up and pulled her as well. I have been home schooling ever sense and I love it. There are times where I wonder as all parents do if that was the right thing and we all have bad days but I think for the most part that we are doing ok here at home. I have happy well rounded children who are loving, kind, and talented.
Ok this may seem a little all over the place but I am going to go back to the weight and life in general. I have dealt with the weight and not being happy with myself for years. However, a miracle has happened. I finally have started to find out who I am and what I am worth to my Heavenly Father and so one day it accured to me to through away the scale. Start taking care of my body and start loving who I am. This is a novel concept. It was HARD, I had no idea how hard that was for me. I was so concerned with the number on the scale. It was kind of an obsession and in my opinion who Satin was holding me back from my full potential. So it has been about a month and a half now and I am trying to take care of myself and feed my body in a healthy balanced way and I feel GREAT!!! I have no idea what I weigh right now and guess what? I really don't care!!! It is amazing and so freeing to go to the gym and not compare or think that others are judging. I have to be honest and tell you that I still will not run outside if the dark movie room because I don't want others to judge me I am sure that will go away sooner or later. But I go now BECAUSE I WANT TO!!! Not because I feel like I have to in order to get to a certain number. Something else has happened along the way. I have tried for years to get off of sugar, candy, cake, cookies, ice cream, ect. I now have been off of my addiction for 16 days and I feel no need to go back. As I make these changes because I start to love myself as the Lord loves me things will fall into place and goals will be hit without the stress and the worry. It is truly freeing.
Through all of these life experiences I realized that these things are meant for our growth. There are hard times and we are meant to go through things that are not always easy. These things stretch our spirits and help us to grow. Or they can drag us down and we can fall away from our faith. I always tried to stay close to the Lord and build my faith. You see, I believe that we are here for a purpose and to gain life experiences. The only way that we can do that is by our trials and our choices. And in the end how we loved others and excepted ourselves.
I decided to start this blog to help others out there who want to learn to love themselves and serve others also. Along the way we learn who we are and what we are here on this earth for.
Love, Emily Bryar
